I only think I'm dying because I've never felt more alive and aware of what being alive is. And we are dying. Every second of every day. Only now that I've fully understood and grasped what this fleeting phenomenon of consciousness owned by a vessel that eventually gives out is. I'm a machine with pieces and parts working together to keep me alive and I'm supposed to reproduce.
However, the system humans live in is far more complex than that. Our mental state and behavior is catalyzed by bureaucratic entities that hold the privileged in power and everybody else as pieces of the chess game that brings money and even more power to them. It's all a made up story. People that buy into the story seem to be unaware of what being alive means.
Not only as humans, but as a part of a biosphere that birthed us with the cycle of death and resurgence. It starts with a cell and ends in ashes. All in a rock that is floating through empty space. My consciousness is building dreams, expectations and an image on what this all is on borrowed time. Without something to hold on to the ultimate reality of our own insignificance sinks in; and suddenly it's hard to trust a machine, an automated vessel, to carry me through this journey.
domingo, 7 de agosto de 2016
viernes, 5 de agosto de 2016
Two years ago
This is a journal entry written while abroad in Italy two years ago..
I don't think it will ever stop being relevant.
"I may be all grown, but there are wounds I'm left to heal. Slowly, I'm catching up to them, and though the scars left behind are said to only make me stronger, they hurt every time it rains. However, when it's sunny, I can enjoy to take a look; in awe of everything I have overcome. I feel lucky and life starts making sense.
I don't remember everything I've been able to handle, maybe it's memory doing me a favor. I'm a mess, but I'm a mess in progress. I'm dealing with things on my own that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I might say I'm actually doing pretty fine. I'm a survivor.
In the past days I've been challenged, but I've kept pushing my limits, ones that to this day, I haven't reached. The journey in which one understands the definition of being lost and imperfect is long and rocky, and I don't think it ever ends. I'm figuring things out as I go; and that is okay with me."
July 5, 2014
Andrea
I don't think it will ever stop being relevant.
"I may be all grown, but there are wounds I'm left to heal. Slowly, I'm catching up to them, and though the scars left behind are said to only make me stronger, they hurt every time it rains. However, when it's sunny, I can enjoy to take a look; in awe of everything I have overcome. I feel lucky and life starts making sense.
I don't remember everything I've been able to handle, maybe it's memory doing me a favor. I'm a mess, but I'm a mess in progress. I'm dealing with things on my own that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I might say I'm actually doing pretty fine. I'm a survivor.
In the past days I've been challenged, but I've kept pushing my limits, ones that to this day, I haven't reached. The journey in which one understands the definition of being lost and imperfect is long and rocky, and I don't think it ever ends. I'm figuring things out as I go; and that is okay with me."
July 5, 2014
Andrea
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